Enemy Combatant
Friday, April 02, 2004
Think Bush is Toast? Think Again
How might Bush still screw thee? Let me count the ways:
1. Osama surfaces. Some of us tinfoil-hatters think Rumsfeld already has him on ice somewhere, waiting for the optimal moment to bring him out of his spider-hole. Of course, if Osama is really still at large, there's practically zero chance he'll be caught between now and November. I mean, it's not like a 6'7" man hooked up to a dialysis machine whose image has been broadcast worldwide for the past three years would stand out anywhere.
2. Castro dies. This would be a godsend for Bush, because post-Castro Cuba might well become Bay of Pigs II: Vengeance Served Cold. Before the anti-Castro Cubans in Florida make a near-complete exodus back to the homeland, however, they'll probably all vote for Dubya on their way out. (If that happens -- mark my words -- thirty years from now President-for-Life Jenna Bush will be naming Ahmed Chalabi Emperor of the Principality of Gitmo.)
3. 9-11 II. This one gives me the heebie-jeebies, particularly since media members of the RoveBorg (yes, I'm talkin' 'bout you, David Brooks) seem to be panting in anticipation of such an attack, preferably just before the election.
4. Deus Ex Scalia II. Let's say, in an improbable misalignment of the stars and planets, Bush actually wins the popular vote, but loses the electoral college (sound familiar?). The Supreme Court takes up his case, and, in a breathless fit, Scalia announces for another (the same) bare majority, "Ohmigod! I mean, we rilly rilly need to uphold democracy here, and so, we're declaring the Electoral College unconstitutional, and handing the election to Bush again, this time because he won the popular vote."
